Do you ever wonder what happened to your old grade school, high school or college friends? Maybe you'd like to get in touch and see how they're doing? It's not as hard as you may think, thanks to the Internet. Here are some tips for using the Internet to find old friends:
First, the most obvious places to check are the big classmate and reunion sites. Check out Classmates.com and Reunion.com first. You'll find a decent portion of the people from your high school class listed on these sites, especially Classmates.com, since they've been around the longest and advertise the most. Unfortunately, if you find someone on one of these sites, you'll have to pay for membership to contact them. The sites have to pay the bills somehow and that's the catch. However, if you don't want to pay, there are other options. Quite often, if the person you are looking for is a female and has gotten married, you will be able to see what their new last name is, which will make finding them a whole lot easier for you. You'll also be able to see the city where the person lives *now*, again, another valuable detail.
Searching
Now, let's search the Internet for the person. I recommend trying Google first, then MSN, as MSN technically has the largest database of indexed pages and the freshest index as well.
Search Tips
Search for the person's name first, with quotations:
"Alexandra Jones"
If the person has a unique name, your results will be smaller, but if they have a common name, you'll need to narrow the search greatly. Try searching with a middle initial or full middle name. You can also add a state or the initials of a state, like this:
"Alexandra Alicia Jones"
"Alexandra A Jones"
"Alexandra Jones", FL
"Alexandra Jones", florida
Perhaps the person was an artist or a writer? Add the words, "art" or "author" to the search. You'll be surprised at how greatly this narrows your search. Same if the person is a mechanic, engineer or interior designer. Add these words or variations of these words to the search to refine the results. Many professions and businesses have websites where they may list the names of employees. If you know the person is a dentist, try searching the dental directories online, it's likely they are listed so that new patients can find them.
Be sure to take advantage of the Advanced Search features of every search engine, these features are usually very easy to use and extremely powerful. You'll see Google's Advanced Search link right on their front page.
There are also specialty search engines available which come in handy for finding certain people online. There are specialty search engines for books, blogs, news, images, media, and practically any topic you can think of.
Don't forget to search the local newspaper website for the town from which you graduated, maybe they were mentioned in a story? Also, your high school website may even have an alumni section where you can register and search for alumnus. Don't forget to search the big yellow and white pages directories online, they may just be listed! Also try the AOL, Yahoo, Myspace, Facebook, LiveJournal, Friendster and other community member directories. Some people may even be involved in researching their family trees online, so try checking the major genealogy sites for their last name, they may be posting!
Maybe you remember that this person loved cross stitch sewing, Billy Joel or deep sea fishing? You can check some message boards with these niche topics, you might find that an "AlexandraJ" has 1000 posts on Billy Joel's official message board. That might be her!
If All Else Fails
There are specific people search engines available. These usually search public records. For the most powerful ones, you'll have to pay for real contact information. You can also have Yahoo or Google alert you anytime the person's name pops up in a news story or on the web, by using Yahoo or Google Alerts. Go to google.com/alerts to set one up. If you came up empty, this is a great way to use a search engine to let you know about any new search results, blog postings or other news items with a specific name mentioned.
If after exhausting every online avenue, you still can't find any mention of this person, it's possible this person moved, changed names, moved out of the country or just doesn't want to be found.
You'll also want to be prepared for any delicate information you find, often public records will show up in searches, so you may see records for a bankruptcy, foreclosures, divorce records, criminal records, legal trouble, disturbing blog postings or even an obituary.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Social Skills and Friendship What Are the Signs of a True Friend
The best kinds of people to have around you are the caring kind. They are what we think of as 'true' friends. Getting to know who’s who can be most interesting and sometimes most challenging.
This advice is universal. It fits for anyone of any age when making decisions about who to bring into your life and heart as a friend. However, these tips are stated in a way that will be especially helpful for tweens and teens as well as for kids and adults with ADHD, Autism or Asperger Syndrome. These tips will be useful for those who have a difficult time picking up the cues and clues that give them the ‘Go!’ or the ‘No!’ when it comes to friendship.
Here are eight tips to guide you to recognize a true friend:
1. Do you feel your friend cares about what you have to say? A real friend pays attention while you are talking and asks questions if he or she does not fully understand your situations or feeling before giving advice about it.
2.True friends are interested in what is good for you not for what you can give to them or do for them. A true friend would advise you to do only what is safe, smart and helpful to you. It helps sometimes to see if other people you like and respect also like your new friend.
3. Do you ever feel pressure to do something you don’t want to do? If you feel this way, it is your true friends who can help you sort out how to be yourself, do the right thing and still be a part of the crowd.
4. If you make a mistake, a true friend helps you feel better. A true friend does not make you feel dumb, gossip to others or criticize you.
5. A true friend gives you space and privacy if you want it. You don’t have to explain or wonder if your friend will be upset if you prefer to do something your own way, on your own time.
6. When you have problem, a true friend encourages you to find people you trust to help you take the right steps to solve it. to tell you to talk to an adult or with the right experience.
7. True friends understand how much you can do. If your parents don’t permit you to go out on school nights, a true friend will stick by you when you can be together.
8. A true friend lets you have other friends. You don’t have to worry about a true friend getting upset if you spend time with someone else. There are so many different ways youcan spend time with people. You might have a certain friend who loves to play basketball with you and other friends who are your movie or concert friends. This does not mean dropping your friend for something else. Real friends have mutual respect and make room for each other to do what they want.
This guide is also a good way to evaluate how good a friend you are to others!
This advice is universal. It fits for anyone of any age when making decisions about who to bring into your life and heart as a friend. However, these tips are stated in a way that will be especially helpful for tweens and teens as well as for kids and adults with ADHD, Autism or Asperger Syndrome. These tips will be useful for those who have a difficult time picking up the cues and clues that give them the ‘Go!’ or the ‘No!’ when it comes to friendship.
Here are eight tips to guide you to recognize a true friend:
1. Do you feel your friend cares about what you have to say? A real friend pays attention while you are talking and asks questions if he or she does not fully understand your situations or feeling before giving advice about it.
2.True friends are interested in what is good for you not for what you can give to them or do for them. A true friend would advise you to do only what is safe, smart and helpful to you. It helps sometimes to see if other people you like and respect also like your new friend.
3. Do you ever feel pressure to do something you don’t want to do? If you feel this way, it is your true friends who can help you sort out how to be yourself, do the right thing and still be a part of the crowd.
4. If you make a mistake, a true friend helps you feel better. A true friend does not make you feel dumb, gossip to others or criticize you.
5. A true friend gives you space and privacy if you want it. You don’t have to explain or wonder if your friend will be upset if you prefer to do something your own way, on your own time.
6. When you have problem, a true friend encourages you to find people you trust to help you take the right steps to solve it. to tell you to talk to an adult or with the right experience.
7. True friends understand how much you can do. If your parents don’t permit you to go out on school nights, a true friend will stick by you when you can be together.
8. A true friend lets you have other friends. You don’t have to worry about a true friend getting upset if you spend time with someone else. There are so many different ways youcan spend time with people. You might have a certain friend who loves to play basketball with you and other friends who are your movie or concert friends. This does not mean dropping your friend for something else. Real friends have mutual respect and make room for each other to do what they want.
This guide is also a good way to evaluate how good a friend you are to others!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Six Tips For How to Be the Right Person to Establish Intimate Relationships
Relationships...they would be much easier if not for the people.
You say, "Yes."
She says, "No."
He says, "Left."
You say, "Right."
It all seems like a crazy dance with an unlimited number of steps to learn, memorize and negotiate.
Still, in the end, if you really make an effort, the result will be well worth momentary levels of frustration. There is nothing like an intimate friendship or two. This article discusses six tips for how to establish and be the right person for intimate relationships.
• Be humble - Humility is having a right view of yourself. It is not groveling in the dirt with a woe-is-me attitude. It means that you understand your value and then also the value of others. You recognize that you have strengths and weaknesses and are not overly proud in any way.
• Be a good listener - When you take the time to actively listen to other people, they feel valued and treasured. They feel like you truly care about them and feel that what they have to say is important.
• Be trustworthy - To be trustworthy means that you are true to your word. It means that others can rely on you. Trust is built through respect and consistency in character.
• Be loyal - Establishing close friendships is often difficult. This is because people can be fickle. Hot today, cold tomorrow; whatever the prevailing winds of the day. Being loyal means you do not gossip about someone when they are not present in the room. It also means that when someone begins to disrespect your friend, you pipe in with what you like about them. If you choose to gossip about others, your friends will eventually begin to wonder whether you are slandering them when they are not around, too.
• Be generous - The Bible says a generous man has many friends. When you are liberal with praise as well as buying special gifts, others will want to be around you.
• Be forgiving - Obviously, conflict is the greatest challenge to an intimate relationship. Learning how to manage conflict and how to restore a friendship is one of the most complicated aspects of any companionship. The one who masters how to work through conflict is sure to have the strongest bonds of camaraderie in this life. Forgiveness is one important point in the complex world of managing conflict. When we choose to forgive, our hearts will be free and we will have the capacity to love and build solid, long-term friendships.
In this life, there is nothing more warming and, yet at the same time, more frustrating than establishing close friendships. People are fickle and difficult to pin down. This article has discussed six tips on how to establish and be the right person for intimate relationships.
You say, "Yes."
She says, "No."
He says, "Left."
You say, "Right."
It all seems like a crazy dance with an unlimited number of steps to learn, memorize and negotiate.
Still, in the end, if you really make an effort, the result will be well worth momentary levels of frustration. There is nothing like an intimate friendship or two. This article discusses six tips for how to establish and be the right person for intimate relationships.
• Be humble - Humility is having a right view of yourself. It is not groveling in the dirt with a woe-is-me attitude. It means that you understand your value and then also the value of others. You recognize that you have strengths and weaknesses and are not overly proud in any way.
• Be a good listener - When you take the time to actively listen to other people, they feel valued and treasured. They feel like you truly care about them and feel that what they have to say is important.
• Be trustworthy - To be trustworthy means that you are true to your word. It means that others can rely on you. Trust is built through respect and consistency in character.
• Be loyal - Establishing close friendships is often difficult. This is because people can be fickle. Hot today, cold tomorrow; whatever the prevailing winds of the day. Being loyal means you do not gossip about someone when they are not present in the room. It also means that when someone begins to disrespect your friend, you pipe in with what you like about them. If you choose to gossip about others, your friends will eventually begin to wonder whether you are slandering them when they are not around, too.
• Be generous - The Bible says a generous man has many friends. When you are liberal with praise as well as buying special gifts, others will want to be around you.
• Be forgiving - Obviously, conflict is the greatest challenge to an intimate relationship. Learning how to manage conflict and how to restore a friendship is one of the most complicated aspects of any companionship. The one who masters how to work through conflict is sure to have the strongest bonds of camaraderie in this life. Forgiveness is one important point in the complex world of managing conflict. When we choose to forgive, our hearts will be free and we will have the capacity to love and build solid, long-term friendships.
In this life, there is nothing more warming and, yet at the same time, more frustrating than establishing close friendships. People are fickle and difficult to pin down. This article has discussed six tips on how to establish and be the right person for intimate relationships.
Build Strong Relationship
If you are a normal red-blooded human being, you hate conflict. In fact, most people avoid conflict like the plague. However, what we do not realize is that at least some level of conflict is necessary to gaining intimacy with another human being. A Cambodian proverb says "you are not a close friend until you have had a fight with that person." This article presents four tips on how to use conflict to create intimacy.
First, look at conflict as a way to learn more about yourself. Often, when we are in the heat of the moment, we become locked into the problem and fail to learn from the situation. However, Stephen Covey, 1989, wrote that humans have four distinct gifts to help us change unwanted behavior. One of those gifts is self-awareness. Through the gift of self-awareness, you can use conflict to find out who you are and what makes you tick. You can learn about what is important to you and why you are having a problem with your friend. The other three gifts are conscience, imagination and independent will. These gifts help us assess our behavior as right or wrong (conscience); design a new course of action (imagination); and carry it out (independent will). Employment of all four gifts will help you know how to fine-tune to your partner and allow you to grow closer to them.
Second, look at conflict as an opportunity to learn more about your friend or partner. When your worldview collides with their worldview, you learn more about them and what makes them tick. This follows only if you are willing to suspend your need for self-preservation. Covey points out that in between stimulus and response is a space or gap. If you can teach yourself to think before you react, then you can exploit this space to make better choices. Unfortunately, most of us are prone to react instantaneously rather than take a step back and think through what just happened. If we can learn to exploit the space and delay our response, then we can also learn to ask questions about our partner's behavior. Such questions will help them know that you want to know them better and will cause them to trust you more. As trust deepens, your relationship will become more intimate.
Third, learn to be humble. Humility is an essential quality for close friendships. Humility means to have a right view of yourself. To have a right view of yourself means to accurately assess your worth, thinking neither too highly nor too lowly about your life. In fact, you are a masterpiece of God's own hand, created to be the special person you are. The same is true of your friend or companion. As such you are both very valuable. When you have a correct view of yourself and others, you will treat them with greater respect and dignity. Conflict is an opportunity to practice humility and to reiterate the worth of others.
Fourth, learn the fine art of reconciliation. Few know how to reconcile their relationships. When relationships go sour, most people either throw up their hands to fight it out or drop their heads and slink away. But, if you can learn how to reconcile in an amiable way, you will have the intimate relationships of all. Reconciliation includes learning how to apologize for offenses committed against the other and how to forgive when others hurt you. Although it is not advisable to purposely seek out trouble, the more conflict you encounter the more you will learn how to deal with conflict and how to reconcile with your loved ones.
Conflict is never easy and most people try to avoid it. This article has discussed four tips on how to use conflict to create more intimate relationships.
First, look at conflict as a way to learn more about yourself. Often, when we are in the heat of the moment, we become locked into the problem and fail to learn from the situation. However, Stephen Covey, 1989, wrote that humans have four distinct gifts to help us change unwanted behavior. One of those gifts is self-awareness. Through the gift of self-awareness, you can use conflict to find out who you are and what makes you tick. You can learn about what is important to you and why you are having a problem with your friend. The other three gifts are conscience, imagination and independent will. These gifts help us assess our behavior as right or wrong (conscience); design a new course of action (imagination); and carry it out (independent will). Employment of all four gifts will help you know how to fine-tune to your partner and allow you to grow closer to them.
Second, look at conflict as an opportunity to learn more about your friend or partner. When your worldview collides with their worldview, you learn more about them and what makes them tick. This follows only if you are willing to suspend your need for self-preservation. Covey points out that in between stimulus and response is a space or gap. If you can teach yourself to think before you react, then you can exploit this space to make better choices. Unfortunately, most of us are prone to react instantaneously rather than take a step back and think through what just happened. If we can learn to exploit the space and delay our response, then we can also learn to ask questions about our partner's behavior. Such questions will help them know that you want to know them better and will cause them to trust you more. As trust deepens, your relationship will become more intimate.
Third, learn to be humble. Humility is an essential quality for close friendships. Humility means to have a right view of yourself. To have a right view of yourself means to accurately assess your worth, thinking neither too highly nor too lowly about your life. In fact, you are a masterpiece of God's own hand, created to be the special person you are. The same is true of your friend or companion. As such you are both very valuable. When you have a correct view of yourself and others, you will treat them with greater respect and dignity. Conflict is an opportunity to practice humility and to reiterate the worth of others.
Fourth, learn the fine art of reconciliation. Few know how to reconcile their relationships. When relationships go sour, most people either throw up their hands to fight it out or drop their heads and slink away. But, if you can learn how to reconcile in an amiable way, you will have the intimate relationships of all. Reconciliation includes learning how to apologize for offenses committed against the other and how to forgive when others hurt you. Although it is not advisable to purposely seek out trouble, the more conflict you encounter the more you will learn how to deal with conflict and how to reconcile with your loved ones.
Conflict is never easy and most people try to avoid it. This article has discussed four tips on how to use conflict to create more intimate relationships.
Being Friend with Your ex Girlfriend
Many break ups end with phrases such as "Let's stay friends" or "We're better off as friends than lovers". Those words soften the blow of a break up, but if you're really serious about making it happen, things get a bit more difficult.
These tips should help you to stay friends with your ex girlfriend.
1. Start with some space. After a break up, both people are hurting and there's no need to start hanging out "as friends" the next day. Give yourselves some time to heal and to realize what went wrong in the relationship. You are less likely to have negative feelings when you have the time to work things through on your own.
2. Make sure that neither of you still has romantic feelings. Friendships don't usually work out when one person still has feelings for the other, especially if they were previously a couple. If you're going to be friends, then there needs to be no doubt that you both feel the same way about the break up.
3. Keep contact brief. Don't stay on the phone for hours at a time. Think about how you interact with other friends of the opposite sex and try to mimic those types of behaviors with your ex girlfriend.
4. Try to hang out in groups. It's much easier to be friends if you are hanging out in large groups of people. One-on-one time is too similar to dating and may bring up old feelings. Especially at the beginning, it's best to try to avoid one-on-one meetings.
5. Don't keep secrets. If you start dating someone, it's important to let her know. You may think that you're sparing her feelings, but she'll only be more hurt that you didn't tell her. It's important that you keep the lines of communication open so that both people feel comfortable.
These tips should help you to stay friends with your ex girlfriend.
1. Start with some space. After a break up, both people are hurting and there's no need to start hanging out "as friends" the next day. Give yourselves some time to heal and to realize what went wrong in the relationship. You are less likely to have negative feelings when you have the time to work things through on your own.
2. Make sure that neither of you still has romantic feelings. Friendships don't usually work out when one person still has feelings for the other, especially if they were previously a couple. If you're going to be friends, then there needs to be no doubt that you both feel the same way about the break up.
3. Keep contact brief. Don't stay on the phone for hours at a time. Think about how you interact with other friends of the opposite sex and try to mimic those types of behaviors with your ex girlfriend.
4. Try to hang out in groups. It's much easier to be friends if you are hanging out in large groups of people. One-on-one time is too similar to dating and may bring up old feelings. Especially at the beginning, it's best to try to avoid one-on-one meetings.
5. Don't keep secrets. If you start dating someone, it's important to let her know. You may think that you're sparing her feelings, but she'll only be more hurt that you didn't tell her. It's important that you keep the lines of communication open so that both people feel comfortable.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
10 Tips that Will Save Your Friendship
If like me, you have friends of the opposite sex with whom you are so very close, chances are, you or the other person at one time or another made an error in judgment and made it known that you were in love -- with him or her. But instead of "I love you, too" you got something like "I really like you BUT..."
Oops! There goes a great friendship.
Not necessarily. That is if you can get your love-foot out of your mouth with very little damage, and salvage whatever is left of the friendship.
1. Don't panic
Sometimes when we feel that we messed up, we have the urge to try and "fix" things in panic mode. For some people that may include trying to make "nice", trying to make them laugh again, invite them to do things we think they'll like etc... anything that feels like things are back to normal again.
You can't just put a feel-good band-aid on something like that. Be honest with your friend and tell him or her that you respect their feelings and that even if you feel the way you feel, you value the friendship so much more. Just don't say you made a huge mistake (and feel really stupid --he-he); or ask for forgiveness. You didn't commit a sin or do anything wrong, you only expressed how you really feel.
2. Don't try to talk him or her into it
If someone says "I am not that into you like that", they are NOT. Trying to tell them that they don't know their own feelings of attraction is an insult to the person. And "You mean so much to me -- I just want you to be happy" crap is so transparent. Desperate manipulation always -always backfires. And chances are that your friend knows that side of you --too well I must add.
3. Don't try to shift the focus off your false move
Trying to explain how something they said or did misled you is so juvenile. Your friend wasn't the one who misinterpreted the signals, and he or she wasn't the one who expressed that they wanted to be more than friends. Trying to somehow make the other person feel like it's their fault is shoving your foot further up your mouth. Don't be surprised if your toes stick out from the other side. You created this situation, own up to it.
4. Give him or her the space and time he or she needs
After something like that, it will be a little weird and awkward between the two of you, so get used to it. Your friend may even start avoiding you, but that's normal. He or she may not know what to do after you drop something like that on them. There is also the possibility that he or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or give the wrong impression by seeming to encourage you to have hope.
Give him or her space and time and let him or her come around if he or she values your friendship. Just don't wait too long. After a week or so ask him or her if the two of you can talk about what happened.
5. Discuss how you move forward as friends -- again
You must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
I had a very dear friend, and we were so close that he was the first person I called when I had good or bad news -- after I called my mother and brother, of course. He was so good at hiding his feelings that even as savvy as I am on man-woman dynamics, I did not suspect he was sitting on his feelings for years. But that is because he went to great lengths to somehow convince me he was "gay".
When I broke up with someone (and that was like 50 times with the same person and please don't judge me, I was a real mess back then), I naturally went to my friend for support. Then one day he confessed that he had always loved me. I was shocked, pissed off and sick to my stomach because it felt like he was suggesting "incest". After all he was like "my brother". And even though he was my best friend in the whole world -- we shared the most personal details and felt so close emotionally, I wasn't attracted to him in a "sexual" way. Not at all!
We decided the friendship was far more important and wanted to keep it. But although he said he felt like "my friend, again", I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to but it was so hard knowing what I knew. Every time I caught him looking at me (which he had done so many times before), I got really upset because I felt that he was "sexualizing" me. Even the hugs felt uncomfortable. We started to fight over very stupid things, something we had never done before. Eventually we didn't want to be friends anymore.
We were so focused on "saving" the friendship but had never talked about "how" we were going to be friends. We just assumed since we were friends before things would just fall back into place without acknowledging that that place had shifted.
To save your friendship you need this talk -- you must. Begin by telling him or her how much the friendship means to you and that he or she means so much to you AS A FRIEND and that you don't want to lose the friendship. Then talk about how to "maintain" the friendship since you can't be more than friends but at the same time don't want to lose the friendship.
6. Don't' take anything personally
Even after the talk, things may still feel a little weird and awkward because everyone processes their emotions differently. Some people want to talk about how they feel right away and get over with it, others avoid talking about it and others prefer to cut off contact for sometime in order for them to process their emotions the way they know how.
If you call him or her and they are not excited to talk to you or you invite him or her out and he or she doesn't want to come, don't push or try so hard to get the response you want. Give it a few more days and try again. If he or she isn't ready now, maybe he or she'll be ready later. But if he or she becomes rude and abusive, then you know that he or she never really meant it when they said they did not want to lose you as a friend.
7. Let go expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't
For your own good and sanity, stop wishing, hoping, and expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't.
Come to terms (and accept) that you may always have those feelings for your friend after all he or she is a special person -- that's why they are your friend. And besides we don't always choose who we fall in love with. It's not called "falling in love" for nothing. Nobody chooses to knowingly "fall" because falling hurts. So the feelings may still linger for a while or forever but your expectations (for something more) got to change.
If you find yourself stuck emotionally, find something to do (away from your friend) that makes you feel alive, worthy and wanted. Get a hobby, volunteer your services, pumper yourself... do anything that makes you so happy that you are not thinking of how you messed things up or how your friend is avoiding you etc.
8. Meet in a group setting -- initially
In the beginning "hang out" as friends in group activities where there are other people in the mix. One-on-one intimate settings kind of imply intimacy which at this point in your relationship may be "uncomfortable". So if you are asking him or her to spend time with you, catch up on old times or simply try to move forwards as platonic friends invite him or her to anything as part of your group of friends as opposed to one-on-one. And when you are out treat him or her just like everybody else in the group
If you find that even your interaction in a group setting has also changed and is awkward, then you need to ask him or her to have a talk about how he or she feels and what the two of you can do to make the transition less stressful. Again, you must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
9. Keep this little "secret" between the two of you -- as much as possible
Don't mention what happened to any other of your friends in the group. If you have to, let it be something you do in the future when the "raw feelings" about this are in the past and you both can talk about it with no emotional overload.
10. Stop trying to be his or her friend
You became friends without the two of you trying to be friends. You just became friends. So let it happen naturally.
Last but not least, if you do ever salvage your friendship, don't cross the line again. If you do, you may never be close friends ever again!
Between you and me, love didn't make a fool of you - you did. But that's all part of being human. Anyone who dares to open his or her heart to love plays a fool one way or another. If it ever turns out that your friendship grows into romantic and sexual attraction, it'll be because you "planted the seed", and let it grow naturally. That's just the way love works!
Oops! There goes a great friendship.
Not necessarily. That is if you can get your love-foot out of your mouth with very little damage, and salvage whatever is left of the friendship.
1. Don't panic
Sometimes when we feel that we messed up, we have the urge to try and "fix" things in panic mode. For some people that may include trying to make "nice", trying to make them laugh again, invite them to do things we think they'll like etc... anything that feels like things are back to normal again.
You can't just put a feel-good band-aid on something like that. Be honest with your friend and tell him or her that you respect their feelings and that even if you feel the way you feel, you value the friendship so much more. Just don't say you made a huge mistake (and feel really stupid --he-he); or ask for forgiveness. You didn't commit a sin or do anything wrong, you only expressed how you really feel.
2. Don't try to talk him or her into it
If someone says "I am not that into you like that", they are NOT. Trying to tell them that they don't know their own feelings of attraction is an insult to the person. And "You mean so much to me -- I just want you to be happy" crap is so transparent. Desperate manipulation always -always backfires. And chances are that your friend knows that side of you --too well I must add.
3. Don't try to shift the focus off your false move
Trying to explain how something they said or did misled you is so juvenile. Your friend wasn't the one who misinterpreted the signals, and he or she wasn't the one who expressed that they wanted to be more than friends. Trying to somehow make the other person feel like it's their fault is shoving your foot further up your mouth. Don't be surprised if your toes stick out from the other side. You created this situation, own up to it.
4. Give him or her the space and time he or she needs
After something like that, it will be a little weird and awkward between the two of you, so get used to it. Your friend may even start avoiding you, but that's normal. He or she may not know what to do after you drop something like that on them. There is also the possibility that he or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or give the wrong impression by seeming to encourage you to have hope.
Give him or her space and time and let him or her come around if he or she values your friendship. Just don't wait too long. After a week or so ask him or her if the two of you can talk about what happened.
5. Discuss how you move forward as friends -- again
You must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
I had a very dear friend, and we were so close that he was the first person I called when I had good or bad news -- after I called my mother and brother, of course. He was so good at hiding his feelings that even as savvy as I am on man-woman dynamics, I did not suspect he was sitting on his feelings for years. But that is because he went to great lengths to somehow convince me he was "gay".
When I broke up with someone (and that was like 50 times with the same person and please don't judge me, I was a real mess back then), I naturally went to my friend for support. Then one day he confessed that he had always loved me. I was shocked, pissed off and sick to my stomach because it felt like he was suggesting "incest". After all he was like "my brother". And even though he was my best friend in the whole world -- we shared the most personal details and felt so close emotionally, I wasn't attracted to him in a "sexual" way. Not at all!
We decided the friendship was far more important and wanted to keep it. But although he said he felt like "my friend, again", I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to but it was so hard knowing what I knew. Every time I caught him looking at me (which he had done so many times before), I got really upset because I felt that he was "sexualizing" me. Even the hugs felt uncomfortable. We started to fight over very stupid things, something we had never done before. Eventually we didn't want to be friends anymore.
We were so focused on "saving" the friendship but had never talked about "how" we were going to be friends. We just assumed since we were friends before things would just fall back into place without acknowledging that that place had shifted.
To save your friendship you need this talk -- you must. Begin by telling him or her how much the friendship means to you and that he or she means so much to you AS A FRIEND and that you don't want to lose the friendship. Then talk about how to "maintain" the friendship since you can't be more than friends but at the same time don't want to lose the friendship.
6. Don't' take anything personally
Even after the talk, things may still feel a little weird and awkward because everyone processes their emotions differently. Some people want to talk about how they feel right away and get over with it, others avoid talking about it and others prefer to cut off contact for sometime in order for them to process their emotions the way they know how.
If you call him or her and they are not excited to talk to you or you invite him or her out and he or she doesn't want to come, don't push or try so hard to get the response you want. Give it a few more days and try again. If he or she isn't ready now, maybe he or she'll be ready later. But if he or she becomes rude and abusive, then you know that he or she never really meant it when they said they did not want to lose you as a friend.
7. Let go expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't
For your own good and sanity, stop wishing, hoping, and expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't.
Come to terms (and accept) that you may always have those feelings for your friend after all he or she is a special person -- that's why they are your friend. And besides we don't always choose who we fall in love with. It's not called "falling in love" for nothing. Nobody chooses to knowingly "fall" because falling hurts. So the feelings may still linger for a while or forever but your expectations (for something more) got to change.
If you find yourself stuck emotionally, find something to do (away from your friend) that makes you feel alive, worthy and wanted. Get a hobby, volunteer your services, pumper yourself... do anything that makes you so happy that you are not thinking of how you messed things up or how your friend is avoiding you etc.
8. Meet in a group setting -- initially
In the beginning "hang out" as friends in group activities where there are other people in the mix. One-on-one intimate settings kind of imply intimacy which at this point in your relationship may be "uncomfortable". So if you are asking him or her to spend time with you, catch up on old times or simply try to move forwards as platonic friends invite him or her to anything as part of your group of friends as opposed to one-on-one. And when you are out treat him or her just like everybody else in the group
If you find that even your interaction in a group setting has also changed and is awkward, then you need to ask him or her to have a talk about how he or she feels and what the two of you can do to make the transition less stressful. Again, you must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
9. Keep this little "secret" between the two of you -- as much as possible
Don't mention what happened to any other of your friends in the group. If you have to, let it be something you do in the future when the "raw feelings" about this are in the past and you both can talk about it with no emotional overload.
10. Stop trying to be his or her friend
You became friends without the two of you trying to be friends. You just became friends. So let it happen naturally.
Last but not least, if you do ever salvage your friendship, don't cross the line again. If you do, you may never be close friends ever again!
Between you and me, love didn't make a fool of you - you did. But that's all part of being human. Anyone who dares to open his or her heart to love plays a fool one way or another. If it ever turns out that your friendship grows into romantic and sexual attraction, it'll be because you "planted the seed", and let it grow naturally. That's just the way love works!
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