How to Find Good Friends

How to Find Really Good, Long-Lasting Friends

Finding really good, close friends is not much easier than finding someone to marry or a reliable business partner. Although I cannot guarantee that the following advice will work for you, some of these hints might be helpful.

ACQUAINTANCES – COMPANIONS – CLOSE FRIENDS

Most of the people you will call "friends" will only be acquaintances. You can call them friends because they are friendly to you. However, these people will not necessarily be those you enjoy doing things with as companions.

You will most likely find a small group of people with whom you like to do things in the areas of your interests. There are lots of things that we do not like doing alone. Some things we can’t do alone. So we all need companions. Companions are friends. Some companions become close friends.

But your close friends will not be mere acquaintances. And they may not be your companions. Close friends are usually those 1-3 people you trust with most parts of your life. For example, you may know someone who likes to go to garage sales, like you do. However, that person may be a gossip and you would not want to share the deeper, more private parts of your life. Nevertheless, he or she can be a good companion with whom you go to garage sales.

I recommend at least three very close friends. It is great if your spouse is one of them, but then I might recommend four. (Five is probably too many to take good care of.) Closest friends are those you can be yourself with, not necessarily those you do things with. Certainly, you do things with your closest friends, but those activities are not the main attraction -- the friend is. (With companions, on the other hand, the activity is the primary thing.)

Close friends are those who have proven to be very interested in your welfare and who want you to be very interested in their welfare. Close friends are those who would be thrilled to be of use to you in a crisis, even if that difficulty arose at 3 in the morning. Close friends give you loyalty and hold confidences. And they want and need your loyalty and confidentiality also.

Close friends are to be helpful to you. So make sure that you do not pick carbon copies of yourself. Those kinds of friends cannot be of much help. Variety in close friends is vital. You and your friends should be building one another up – that’s the main purpose of a close friendship.

Often in a marriage, companions are the friends couples do things with. But often each partner has close friends apart from those companions. Or it might sometimes be that, in another couple who function as companions, only one person is a close friend of the husband or wife.

SELECTING POTENTIAL FRIENDS

Intimate friendships heal. You want close friends, not easy relationships. Relationships based on easy acquisition usually don’t last, fail and hurt. Loneliness is increased.

You might want to begin by listing the qualities and interests you want in your closest friends. Don’t be afraid of being a little picky at this stage. Remember that superficial relationships don’t really work. For acquaintances and companions, maybe, but not for closest friends.

So make that list of what you are looking for in closest friends. After you have made your list, ask yourself, "Where do these kind of people hang out?" By asking this question, you will identify where you might go to meet some good candidates for close friendships.

Most people think that finding good friends will be easy. Most likely it will not. It takes time to find friends you can count on for years and years to come. People want to find good friends from the pool of people who naturally cross their path. But that will work only if your path produces the kind of people you are looking for.

For example, let’s suppose that high on your list of desired characteristics are (1) serious about cooking or fishing, (2) kind to people, (3) not critical, and (4) has time available for a friendship. You want a lifetime friend (or at least a friend for five years) who has these characteristics. If you seek to find such a person along your usual path which includes taking kids to daycare/school, working at an office and shopping for weekly necessities, you will have to meet an awful lot of people to come up with a few who have the four desired characteristics.

The approach I am recommending takes more thought and a little longer span of time, but it just might produce that kind of friend or friends you are really looking for. And if the fit is great, not just good, those friendships might last a lifetime. My theory is that not being so particular will get you friends who disappear in a year or two and you have to go through the whole dog-gone process all over again.

Doing a little thinking about the four desired characteristics listed above (which I just now "pulled out of the hat"), I would begin by meeting someone at optional events like a cooking (men: fishing) class or club, because I assume that, if they have time for something extra, they might have time for a new friendship. During the club or class I would analyze comments in order to screen out those who are obviously critical and unkind. Then, while I would be friendly to everyone, I would be especially friendly to those who look more accepting and more open to others.

Just like the princess who has to kiss a whole lot of frogs to find a suitable prince, each of us needs to meet a lot of people and then narrow it down until we have found one to three people who are really sensitive to our needs and to whom we want to be committed. Using our example, by going to three cooking classes and going to open lectures and parties related to cooking, you might meet 100 women. You would screen out half of them as not being openly friendly and look more closely at the 50 who are left. (Remember that this is going on over time.) Prioritizing by whom you are most drawn to, you might begin asking women, one-by-one or even in a group, to go to lunch with you. Those who have a lot of trouble finding time might not have time for a friendship at this time. So rule them out. Now, out of the 50 you have only 20 that actually go out to lunch with you. Those who interest you most, you ask to lunch again. Then you wait for reciprocity. Those who ask you out to lunch are interested in a friendship and able to think of your needs as well as theirs.

These one to three people will not be close friends yet. The friendship will just be a possibility. To become close friends takes time while trust grows.

MOVING FROM ACQUAINTANCE TO CLOSE FRIEND

When you meet people, each of you is wondering if you will be safe in the personal encounter and in the long run. So you have to start a process of opening up to each other to see what happens. It is not only "okay" to test a relationship – it is the smart thing to do. Go into your relationships with your eyes wide open.

To test out a person for friendship requires you to "open up" and risk.

Lots of people are afraid to risk opening up. They may be afraid they will sound dumb or silly. They may fear conflict with others. They are usually afraid of getting hurt. These problems usually stem from childhood experiences and can be overcome with professional counseling. You can better the whole outcome of your life by getting a little counseling/psychotherapy. It should be well worth it.

Start with being pleasant and obeying acceptable social standards of friendly behavior. If the person does not return the social graces, move on and become friendly with someone else. This person is either not friendship material or not interested in being friendly with you for some reason or other. Don’t worry about it! You only need a couple of good friends. You will screen out many people to find each and every close friend.

Then progress to talking about facts about yourself, your family, things you are doing and about the world in general. Facts are those things that are easily provable and should not be controversial or questionable. If a person argues with you about these simple facts, look elsewhere for a friend.

Next, move on to talking about your ideas and thoughts. These are yours. A suitable friend will show interest in your thoughts and ideas. He or she might not agree with them, but there will be interest. Your closest friends do not need to agree with everything you think, but they must show tolerance and interest. If the person gets upset with your thoughts and ideas, toss him or her as a possible close friend. Remember: disagreeing is not getting upset with you.

If the person passes the tests so far, you are getting close to finding "close friend material". The next and "almost final" test is sharing your feelings and values. These are the real you. (Your thoughts were also, but they probably came out of your values.) Be yourself and tell how you really feel about things. Relate your values – what you really stand for. (You don’t want to start sharing at this level unless you are very comfortable with rejection. You want to apply the previous tests of facts and thoughts first.) With someone who has passed the tests of social graces, facts, and thoughts, there is greater likelihood that he or she will value the real you as expressed in values and feelings.

The final test is whether or not the person can deny himself or herself for your needs when the chips are down, or at least often enough to satisfy you that the relationship is reciprocal.

When you find a person who passes all of the tests, be straightforward about being long-lasting friends. You might say something like this: "I have really appreciated our friendship and discussions. Do you have time and would you be interested in a friendship that might last for a while?"

I know that this sounds awkward. If you are a person who can intuitively know when you and another are going to be longtime friends, you don’t need to say anything. But for the majority, it is not a bad idea to commit to one another as close friends to avoid misunderstanding and hurt. Notice that the above suggestion has a "face-saving, escape clause" – do you have time? – that allows for nonacceptance of a deep friendship without rejection.

YOU MUST BE "CLOSE FRIENDSHIP MATERIAL"

People want their closest friends to be interested in them, support them and be loyal to them. So, whether or not you are "close friend material" will depend upon how much you can focus on someone other than yourself.

Give yourself this test. Can you think of the three most important challenges or struggles of your closest friends or relatives? Have you encouraged them on these three things in the last month? If not, maybe they are merely companions. Or, maybe you have a difficult time focusing on others for some reason or other. This you should remedy!

Of course, if you cannot return friendly greetings, accept facts, show interest in thoughts and ideas of another, appreciate (not necessarily agree) another’s feelings and values, and put the other person’s needs ahead of your own, you are not friendship material. Take care of this. Get some counseling and find out what is getting in your way.

If you are able to be a good friend, consider having one of your closest friends be one with a lot of needs. You are strong and able to give to another. But don’t have more than one closest friend who is always "needy" or you will burn out or get trapped.

SUSTAINING FRIENDSHIPS

Remember that everyone, even you, are difficult to get along with at times. When the going gets rough, don’t lose a good, close friend. Cut some slack. Be understanding. If you have to, share your fear that the friendship will be lost. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw to protect yourself right away. Try a few times to close the gap.

A good friendship can be most valuable. If anything threatens it, and you value the friendship highly, get counseling help for the friendship. One or both of you can go to a counselor to save what you have hoped for and invested in. (Business partners often have to do this also. It is not just for marriages and families.)