Many break ups end with phrases such as "Let's stay friends" or "We're better off as friends than lovers". Those words soften the blow of a break up, but if you're really serious about making it happen, things get a bit more difficult.
These tips should help you to stay friends with your ex girlfriend.
1. Start with some space. After a break up, both people are hurting and there's no need to start hanging out "as friends" the next day. Give yourselves some time to heal and to realize what went wrong in the relationship. You are less likely to have negative feelings when you have the time to work things through on your own.
2. Make sure that neither of you still has romantic feelings. Friendships don't usually work out when one person still has feelings for the other, especially if they were previously a couple. If you're going to be friends, then there needs to be no doubt that you both feel the same way about the break up.
3. Keep contact brief. Don't stay on the phone for hours at a time. Think about how you interact with other friends of the opposite sex and try to mimic those types of behaviors with your ex girlfriend.
4. Try to hang out in groups. It's much easier to be friends if you are hanging out in large groups of people. One-on-one time is too similar to dating and may bring up old feelings. Especially at the beginning, it's best to try to avoid one-on-one meetings.
5. Don't keep secrets. If you start dating someone, it's important to let her know. You may think that you're sparing her feelings, but she'll only be more hurt that you didn't tell her. It's important that you keep the lines of communication open so that both people feel comfortable.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
10 Tips that Will Save Your Friendship
If like me, you have friends of the opposite sex with whom you are so very close, chances are, you or the other person at one time or another made an error in judgment and made it known that you were in love -- with him or her. But instead of "I love you, too" you got something like "I really like you BUT..."
Oops! There goes a great friendship.
Not necessarily. That is if you can get your love-foot out of your mouth with very little damage, and salvage whatever is left of the friendship.
1. Don't panic
Sometimes when we feel that we messed up, we have the urge to try and "fix" things in panic mode. For some people that may include trying to make "nice", trying to make them laugh again, invite them to do things we think they'll like etc... anything that feels like things are back to normal again.
You can't just put a feel-good band-aid on something like that. Be honest with your friend and tell him or her that you respect their feelings and that even if you feel the way you feel, you value the friendship so much more. Just don't say you made a huge mistake (and feel really stupid --he-he); or ask for forgiveness. You didn't commit a sin or do anything wrong, you only expressed how you really feel.
2. Don't try to talk him or her into it
If someone says "I am not that into you like that", they are NOT. Trying to tell them that they don't know their own feelings of attraction is an insult to the person. And "You mean so much to me -- I just want you to be happy" crap is so transparent. Desperate manipulation always -always backfires. And chances are that your friend knows that side of you --too well I must add.
3. Don't try to shift the focus off your false move
Trying to explain how something they said or did misled you is so juvenile. Your friend wasn't the one who misinterpreted the signals, and he or she wasn't the one who expressed that they wanted to be more than friends. Trying to somehow make the other person feel like it's their fault is shoving your foot further up your mouth. Don't be surprised if your toes stick out from the other side. You created this situation, own up to it.
4. Give him or her the space and time he or she needs
After something like that, it will be a little weird and awkward between the two of you, so get used to it. Your friend may even start avoiding you, but that's normal. He or she may not know what to do after you drop something like that on them. There is also the possibility that he or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or give the wrong impression by seeming to encourage you to have hope.
Give him or her space and time and let him or her come around if he or she values your friendship. Just don't wait too long. After a week or so ask him or her if the two of you can talk about what happened.
5. Discuss how you move forward as friends -- again
You must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
I had a very dear friend, and we were so close that he was the first person I called when I had good or bad news -- after I called my mother and brother, of course. He was so good at hiding his feelings that even as savvy as I am on man-woman dynamics, I did not suspect he was sitting on his feelings for years. But that is because he went to great lengths to somehow convince me he was "gay".
When I broke up with someone (and that was like 50 times with the same person and please don't judge me, I was a real mess back then), I naturally went to my friend for support. Then one day he confessed that he had always loved me. I was shocked, pissed off and sick to my stomach because it felt like he was suggesting "incest". After all he was like "my brother". And even though he was my best friend in the whole world -- we shared the most personal details and felt so close emotionally, I wasn't attracted to him in a "sexual" way. Not at all!
We decided the friendship was far more important and wanted to keep it. But although he said he felt like "my friend, again", I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to but it was so hard knowing what I knew. Every time I caught him looking at me (which he had done so many times before), I got really upset because I felt that he was "sexualizing" me. Even the hugs felt uncomfortable. We started to fight over very stupid things, something we had never done before. Eventually we didn't want to be friends anymore.
We were so focused on "saving" the friendship but had never talked about "how" we were going to be friends. We just assumed since we were friends before things would just fall back into place without acknowledging that that place had shifted.
To save your friendship you need this talk -- you must. Begin by telling him or her how much the friendship means to you and that he or she means so much to you AS A FRIEND and that you don't want to lose the friendship. Then talk about how to "maintain" the friendship since you can't be more than friends but at the same time don't want to lose the friendship.
6. Don't' take anything personally
Even after the talk, things may still feel a little weird and awkward because everyone processes their emotions differently. Some people want to talk about how they feel right away and get over with it, others avoid talking about it and others prefer to cut off contact for sometime in order for them to process their emotions the way they know how.
If you call him or her and they are not excited to talk to you or you invite him or her out and he or she doesn't want to come, don't push or try so hard to get the response you want. Give it a few more days and try again. If he or she isn't ready now, maybe he or she'll be ready later. But if he or she becomes rude and abusive, then you know that he or she never really meant it when they said they did not want to lose you as a friend.
7. Let go expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't
For your own good and sanity, stop wishing, hoping, and expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't.
Come to terms (and accept) that you may always have those feelings for your friend after all he or she is a special person -- that's why they are your friend. And besides we don't always choose who we fall in love with. It's not called "falling in love" for nothing. Nobody chooses to knowingly "fall" because falling hurts. So the feelings may still linger for a while or forever but your expectations (for something more) got to change.
If you find yourself stuck emotionally, find something to do (away from your friend) that makes you feel alive, worthy and wanted. Get a hobby, volunteer your services, pumper yourself... do anything that makes you so happy that you are not thinking of how you messed things up or how your friend is avoiding you etc.
8. Meet in a group setting -- initially
In the beginning "hang out" as friends in group activities where there are other people in the mix. One-on-one intimate settings kind of imply intimacy which at this point in your relationship may be "uncomfortable". So if you are asking him or her to spend time with you, catch up on old times or simply try to move forwards as platonic friends invite him or her to anything as part of your group of friends as opposed to one-on-one. And when you are out treat him or her just like everybody else in the group
If you find that even your interaction in a group setting has also changed and is awkward, then you need to ask him or her to have a talk about how he or she feels and what the two of you can do to make the transition less stressful. Again, you must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
9. Keep this little "secret" between the two of you -- as much as possible
Don't mention what happened to any other of your friends in the group. If you have to, let it be something you do in the future when the "raw feelings" about this are in the past and you both can talk about it with no emotional overload.
10. Stop trying to be his or her friend
You became friends without the two of you trying to be friends. You just became friends. So let it happen naturally.
Last but not least, if you do ever salvage your friendship, don't cross the line again. If you do, you may never be close friends ever again!
Between you and me, love didn't make a fool of you - you did. But that's all part of being human. Anyone who dares to open his or her heart to love plays a fool one way or another. If it ever turns out that your friendship grows into romantic and sexual attraction, it'll be because you "planted the seed", and let it grow naturally. That's just the way love works!
Oops! There goes a great friendship.
Not necessarily. That is if you can get your love-foot out of your mouth with very little damage, and salvage whatever is left of the friendship.
1. Don't panic
Sometimes when we feel that we messed up, we have the urge to try and "fix" things in panic mode. For some people that may include trying to make "nice", trying to make them laugh again, invite them to do things we think they'll like etc... anything that feels like things are back to normal again.
You can't just put a feel-good band-aid on something like that. Be honest with your friend and tell him or her that you respect their feelings and that even if you feel the way you feel, you value the friendship so much more. Just don't say you made a huge mistake (and feel really stupid --he-he); or ask for forgiveness. You didn't commit a sin or do anything wrong, you only expressed how you really feel.
2. Don't try to talk him or her into it
If someone says "I am not that into you like that", they are NOT. Trying to tell them that they don't know their own feelings of attraction is an insult to the person. And "You mean so much to me -- I just want you to be happy" crap is so transparent. Desperate manipulation always -always backfires. And chances are that your friend knows that side of you --too well I must add.
3. Don't try to shift the focus off your false move
Trying to explain how something they said or did misled you is so juvenile. Your friend wasn't the one who misinterpreted the signals, and he or she wasn't the one who expressed that they wanted to be more than friends. Trying to somehow make the other person feel like it's their fault is shoving your foot further up your mouth. Don't be surprised if your toes stick out from the other side. You created this situation, own up to it.
4. Give him or her the space and time he or she needs
After something like that, it will be a little weird and awkward between the two of you, so get used to it. Your friend may even start avoiding you, but that's normal. He or she may not know what to do after you drop something like that on them. There is also the possibility that he or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or give the wrong impression by seeming to encourage you to have hope.
Give him or her space and time and let him or her come around if he or she values your friendship. Just don't wait too long. After a week or so ask him or her if the two of you can talk about what happened.
5. Discuss how you move forward as friends -- again
You must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
I had a very dear friend, and we were so close that he was the first person I called when I had good or bad news -- after I called my mother and brother, of course. He was so good at hiding his feelings that even as savvy as I am on man-woman dynamics, I did not suspect he was sitting on his feelings for years. But that is because he went to great lengths to somehow convince me he was "gay".
When I broke up with someone (and that was like 50 times with the same person and please don't judge me, I was a real mess back then), I naturally went to my friend for support. Then one day he confessed that he had always loved me. I was shocked, pissed off and sick to my stomach because it felt like he was suggesting "incest". After all he was like "my brother". And even though he was my best friend in the whole world -- we shared the most personal details and felt so close emotionally, I wasn't attracted to him in a "sexual" way. Not at all!
We decided the friendship was far more important and wanted to keep it. But although he said he felt like "my friend, again", I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to but it was so hard knowing what I knew. Every time I caught him looking at me (which he had done so many times before), I got really upset because I felt that he was "sexualizing" me. Even the hugs felt uncomfortable. We started to fight over very stupid things, something we had never done before. Eventually we didn't want to be friends anymore.
We were so focused on "saving" the friendship but had never talked about "how" we were going to be friends. We just assumed since we were friends before things would just fall back into place without acknowledging that that place had shifted.
To save your friendship you need this talk -- you must. Begin by telling him or her how much the friendship means to you and that he or she means so much to you AS A FRIEND and that you don't want to lose the friendship. Then talk about how to "maintain" the friendship since you can't be more than friends but at the same time don't want to lose the friendship.
6. Don't' take anything personally
Even after the talk, things may still feel a little weird and awkward because everyone processes their emotions differently. Some people want to talk about how they feel right away and get over with it, others avoid talking about it and others prefer to cut off contact for sometime in order for them to process their emotions the way they know how.
If you call him or her and they are not excited to talk to you or you invite him or her out and he or she doesn't want to come, don't push or try so hard to get the response you want. Give it a few more days and try again. If he or she isn't ready now, maybe he or she'll be ready later. But if he or she becomes rude and abusive, then you know that he or she never really meant it when they said they did not want to lose you as a friend.
7. Let go expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't
For your own good and sanity, stop wishing, hoping, and expecting your friend to give you what he or she can't.
Come to terms (and accept) that you may always have those feelings for your friend after all he or she is a special person -- that's why they are your friend. And besides we don't always choose who we fall in love with. It's not called "falling in love" for nothing. Nobody chooses to knowingly "fall" because falling hurts. So the feelings may still linger for a while or forever but your expectations (for something more) got to change.
If you find yourself stuck emotionally, find something to do (away from your friend) that makes you feel alive, worthy and wanted. Get a hobby, volunteer your services, pumper yourself... do anything that makes you so happy that you are not thinking of how you messed things up or how your friend is avoiding you etc.
8. Meet in a group setting -- initially
In the beginning "hang out" as friends in group activities where there are other people in the mix. One-on-one intimate settings kind of imply intimacy which at this point in your relationship may be "uncomfortable". So if you are asking him or her to spend time with you, catch up on old times or simply try to move forwards as platonic friends invite him or her to anything as part of your group of friends as opposed to one-on-one. And when you are out treat him or her just like everybody else in the group
If you find that even your interaction in a group setting has also changed and is awkward, then you need to ask him or her to have a talk about how he or she feels and what the two of you can do to make the transition less stressful. Again, you must absolutely have this talk because avoiding it is disastrous.
9. Keep this little "secret" between the two of you -- as much as possible
Don't mention what happened to any other of your friends in the group. If you have to, let it be something you do in the future when the "raw feelings" about this are in the past and you both can talk about it with no emotional overload.
10. Stop trying to be his or her friend
You became friends without the two of you trying to be friends. You just became friends. So let it happen naturally.
Last but not least, if you do ever salvage your friendship, don't cross the line again. If you do, you may never be close friends ever again!
Between you and me, love didn't make a fool of you - you did. But that's all part of being human. Anyone who dares to open his or her heart to love plays a fool one way or another. If it ever turns out that your friendship grows into romantic and sexual attraction, it'll be because you "planted the seed", and let it grow naturally. That's just the way love works!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
10 Tips to Attract Women Like Magnets
10 Tips to Attract Women Like Magnets
Are you interested in attracting women like magnets in your singles life. Every men can attract any kind of women easily like a magnet if you follow the basic 10 tips. Read below the 10 tips to attract women like magnets.
1: Never Settle for Just Any Woman
The biggest mistake you can possibly make in any relationship is to settle for whatever woman comes along for fear you can’t do any better than what you have! Doing this will prevent you from ever finding the woman you are truly meant to be with. It is difficult to take a leap of faith, especially in matters of the heart, but settling to be with a woman that doesn’t “do it for you” is a HUGE mistake…for you both! Do NOT settle for just any woman hold out for someone that you really connect with and live the life of your dreams! Believe it or not, women admire men who know what they want and won’t settle for anything less. It is a major turn on!
2: Apply the Laws of Attraction
This subject has been poked, prodded, turned upside down and inside out. It is contained within every magazine and book and research paper on the subject of love that you will ever run across. As a relationship expert myself, I have an entire wall of books dedicated to this subject alone, and more books and articles and theories are created every day around the globe on the differences between men and women regarding their particular triggers for attraction. It is right under your nose, every day, everywhere…on TV, out in public, you name the place…it’s right there staring you down! Yet unbelievably, there are STILL people who are completely clueless about the Laws of Attraction.
Now, this is not to say that the Laws of Attraction are good or right or even tolerable at times. But, there are certain inalienable truths about attraction that you need to know and understand if you desire to become successful in any romantic relationship.
What are the Laws of Attraction? Simply put, Men and Woman are polar opposites when it comes to attraction. Men initially feel sexual attraction based upon a woman’s physical appearance, which then leads them into a desire for a relationship. But, women are initially attracted to a man’s qualities. Sure, women will admire a man’s looks, but that doesn’t lead them into a desire for a relationship with him. It’s when a man exhibits confidence in his body language and communication–regardless of his looks–that women feel a powerful sexual attraction that over shadows the man’s physical attributes.
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3: Don't Be Too Nice
Of course, everyone knows that being "nice" is considered socially acceptable in the world. But, women do not choose a lover based upon how nice they may be - that's how they choose their friends. Being "NICE" just isn't what ignites the flames of passion. What does ignite the flames? Attraction. What is attractive? Confidence in one's self! Use positive body language, take meaningful actions, and be your genuine self without regard to what others may think of you. This doesn't mean you should act like a jerk, because no one likes a jerk either. It simply means that in order to attract a woman, you MUST be confident in yourself.
4: Convincing a Woman To Like You is a Big No-No!
Do not waste any of your valuable time trying to convince a woman that doesn't appear interested in you romantically that you are the person they are meant to be with. It will NEVER work, and in fact, may backfire on you in a most embarrassing way. Why is this? Because you can't change the way a person "feels." You can try to understand and you can offer alternative points of view, but you cannot change their feelings. To make matters worse, when faced with the knowledge that a woman doesn't "feel" attracted to them, some men often take ridiculous action to convince them otherwise-they will relentlessly pursue the woman without regard for her lack of "feelings." Spare yourself this tragedy and move on to the next lady in line, who might just "feel" attracted to you-an absolute necessity to a fulfilling relationship!
5: Seeking Her Approval is a Waste of Time
It is completely adverse to human nature for a woman to desire a man who seems to actively pursue her approval. Psychologically, it instills in a woman's mind that the man is automatically not worthy of her attention, and no matter what you do to gain the woman's approval…you will always be considered less than worthy. ALWAYS! The simple truth is that you will lack the necessary confidence in yourself in order to succeed in gaining the attraction you seek. Now, this does not mean you should completely ignore a woman's approval-just that, instead, you need to gain it through self confidence. NOT by seeking her approval of you!
6: Buying Her Affections will not Score You Any Real Points
Yes, it's true, everyone loves freebies! But, it's also true that you get what you pay for. If you lavish freebies on a woman to gain her attraction, you send a strong message that you are so insecure in yourself that you must compensate by spending money. Guess what? Insecurity is NOT attractive. What is attractive? Confidence! Instead of buying a woman expensive gifts – take action that you put thought into, such as arranging a unique evening for you both to cook a meal together or doing something especially memorable and romantic. This sends a strong, clear message to a woman that she is too important for you to risk getting your message across by just sending a bunch of flowers. No, you are a MAN! So, show her that you mean business!
7: Revealing Your Feelings Too Early - Yikes!
There is a time and place for everything! Revealing your feelings for a woman should only be done after you have had plenty of time to assess and confirm a mutual attraction. Jumping into the "feeling" pit too early on sends powerful signals to a woman that you lack control. On the flip side, taking it slowly and even appearing aloof is a much better position. When you slowly warm up to a comfortable place where the woman is begging you to share your feelings, you will instantly know how attractive it is to be desired in such a away. This does not mean you should avoid being genuine. Definitely be honest and up front about who you are and what you like and don't like, but save the "feelings" exchange for a time when you know the woman is sincerely interested in hearing them.
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8: Basing Your Worth upon Money And Looks
Of course, it's true…there are a few rotten apples in the barrel that focus all their energy on attracting only men that have good looks and lots of money, basing all their hopes upon material issues. But, they are fairly easy to weed out of the bunch. In truth, most women are much more attracted to a man's personality than anything else, including women who end up with very wealthy men that lack personality! History has shown us that very powerful, wealthy people have fallen head over heels in love with others that have neither power nor wealth. What did they have? They had a personality, and that personality was based upon confidence! You see, positive character traits are compelling attributes that act like magnets and literally draw women to you instantly. Believe it or not, women prefer to be romanced by men who hold out their arms and pull them in for a hug rather than men who pull out their wallets whenever they seek attention. Yes, having a J-O-B is quite important, so don't go overboard. No woman enjoys being romanced by a free loader with no money at all. But, it doesn't take a fortune in the bank or a plastic surgeon to exude sexual attractiveness.
9: Sacrificing Your Authenticity
Guess what unique attributes you have that no one else in the entire world possesses? You have an original authenticity that is completely different from everyone else. If you sacrifice your authenticity by appearing desperate for a woman's attention, you lack the ability to attract her. So, what do you do? You find out who you are and you stick with it. You don't pretend to be something you are not and you don't beg for a woman's permission to be your true self. You walk the walk and talk the talk, and let the cards fall where they may. Why? Because if you don't, you will end up settling for whatever it is you get.
10: Just Do It!
Countless numbers of people exude ignorance about matters that they know exactly how to handle. If you want something, you MUST take action to get it. If you find out that it wasn't what you really wanted, then you move on to the next challenge. Life is a constantly evolving experience of action after action after action. So, if you want to approach a woman you're attracted to and get her number or if you're dating someone that you feel like kissing, don't just sit there acting all nervous and confused. Instead, walk right up to her and ask for the number or move right in and kiss her. Sitting on the sideline and wondering what to do about things that you know you want will not score you any points. And believe it or not, women are attracted to men who know what they want and take action to get it. So, how do you do this without offending a woman? You confidently act on your desires without regard to potential failure while exhibiting a genuine respect for her feelings. If she appears disinterested, FINE…that's your cue to exit stage left. But, don't let it deter you from approaching the next woman you're attracted to...or she might just be the one you pass on the way out the door!
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